There was a moment in The Voice either this week or last where an eliminated male contestant stepped down from the stage to walk off the set. Seal stood up to catch this contestant’s attention just as he was leaving and the microphones picked up a snippet of their conversation. Along with other word of encouragement Seal said, ‘Remember it’s about the journey.’
The contestant nodded, but I would swear, just for a second, a look went across his face, of unhidden disappointment, even anger. This look said, ‘That’s easy for you to say.’
And I could understand that feeling: it would be disappointing and I doubt anyone has ever derived much solace out of a cliché. But, you know, it’s also applicable if you let it be, and it is important to not lose yourself, to make the choice not to let that emotion – natural in that second as it may have been – take over and sully other opportunities that come along, both for yourself and others.
My point is this: internet brouhaha have come and gone many times over the years and as yet I’ve chosen not to get involved in many of them, mostly because they’ve been none of my business and I had nothing of real value to contribute. In other instances I’ve known people involved be hurt wrongly, just as I’ve been on the receiving end of unpleasantness myself. And I am not perfect either, I stress. There’s nothing new under the sun. Human nature is what it is. As blogging is becoming increasingly professionalised, marketed and capitalised, stakes are raised. There’s more to lose.
However, I do not feel that this necessarily mean issues or debates are being addressed in an equally dynamic or – dare I say it – interesting manner. Just as dramas get recycled, so are the ideas and debates that get tumbled along inside like a dryer, getting misshaped and sometimes forgotten once someone screams ‘bully’ or ‘troll’ or dares to voice an opinion, even. What is being resolved? Anything? Are we going to tread this cyclic path forever?
This is why when I see snark or an ancient debates being resurrected and polished and brought out as if it is NEWS! part of me eye-rolls, I admit that, but part of me also monitors the situation, part hopeful something new might be said, something powerful. But that hope is dying.
Twitter and Facebook can act like a steam valve – that quick release of pressure for a bit of relief. Drama can germinate in the space of 140 characters, spreading, enveloping, being refuelled behind-the-scenes by DMs or emails. If grievances are real and emotions are strong then a situation often needs playing out. My problem comes when those of us stand by the sidelines like kids watching a playground fight, goading things on and then getting splattered by flying mud.
If you think you’re remarkable, extraordinary and talented – then BE remarkable, extraordinary and talented. Be any positive damn adjective you want. Keep at it. You can flash your disappointment; let the anger work for you; be like that contestant who stood in front of a singing competition judge, if just for a moment, but then suck it up and MOVE ON.
It’s what I do and I’ve had no regrets. The alternative isn’t a healthy place to be. I know, because I’ve been there on occasion. I don’t think I can do it anymore. I can’t. I’ve got too much to do.
{ 26 comments… read them below or add one }
Yes. This exactly.
I always get caught up in the dramas because I don’t understand why people put such emotion and energy in when in the grand scheme of life it just doesn’t matter.
But then I am pot/kettle/black because I then waste energy and time with my useless input.
Must learn just to observe or ignore.
Liz recently posted..Junk Food Exodus
I think we managed to have a conversation about it without it devolving at least!
Zoey @ Good Googs recently posted..False Alarm
It’s interesting isn’t it? I occasionally see debates on blogs or twitter and feel that sometimes someone might raise a valid point of view and too quickly everybody jumps up in defence. As long as everybody is being civilised debate can be healthy.
Carli (@tinysavages) recently posted..When Bucket Lists Go Wrong
I love this post. And the way you write.
edenland recently posted..Lame Like a Grasshopper, Sting Like a Bee.
Agree – love the post and Karen and the way she writes but still have a different opinion about internet discourse!
Zoey @ Good Googs recently posted..False Alarm
And I love you guys too AND that we can talk about this. It harder than face to face, which in a lot of circumstances could get things resolved in seconds or minutes, rather than linger on for weeks/months…. years…!
I disagree that ‘emotionalism’ has no place in arguments. I disagree that by voicing an opinion it automatically means you are reacting from an emotional place where you feel personally hurt or slighted. I disagree with people all the time. Not because I feel wronged by them or I feel personally hurt, just because I disagree. I think if you take emotion out of the argument you lose something bigger.
Yesterday I disagreed passionately on twitter. And it wasn’t personal. And I didn’t make it personal. I didn’t name call or use language designed to inflame. I just disagreed. I don’t know why people find that position so threatening. I don’t know why they choose to ignore me afterwards. I don’t know what it is about dissent that people feel the need to quash the sound so quickly and so completely. If it is such a ridiculous position and it is left to stand it will crumble on its own without all the sycophants rushing to tumble it down.
In the grand scheme of things of course it doesn’t matter. In the grand scheme of things I’m not invested in the argument. I certainly didn’t lose any sleep over it and this morning I found it amusing more than anything else. But it doesn’t mean I don’t have an opinion, or I don’t enjoy a good debate. Or I’m going to self-censor when my bullshit-o-meter is off the charts.
My end goal of an argument is not for people to agree with me. I think that would be a pretty disturbing goal. But what is disturbing is people’s tendency to wilfully misunderstand a dissenting opinion and make it somehow personal, or a message that they can more easily defend.
It’s disappointing. But I can’t change my entire personality because of it. And I don’t think I’d want to.
Zoey @ Good Googs recently posted..False Alarm
Hey Zoey, I do also say in the post that emotions are valid and have their place. I speak mostly of negative emotions and harnessing that properly. Perhaps I should have included positive emotions too, to tip the balance. I think its commendable to disagree and not take it personally.
I also like your end goal of not blind agreement or consensus. I understand and agree with you more than you think. My overall point is that I sense a hyper-vigilant, pulsing goading sensation sometimes on the internet when it comes to Big Issues and I sense also that sometimes there might be people waiting, willing to light a wick and see it blow, without listening. You are a good debater, and keep a level head. But I’ve seen others who aren’t, and don’t. If that makes sense.
Totally understand where you are coming from with that! A group can take over and have the precision of a sledge hammer and then all actual benefit of arguments made or opinions expressed is lost pretty quickly.
Zoey @ Good Googs recently posted..False Alarm
I am not standing on the sidelines. I am lined up at the sausage sizzle stand.
You write like a dream my darling x
I really wasn’t into the schoolyard drama at school and I’m certainly not going to get involved in my business.
I told my business story on my blog last week. It’s one of hard work, goals, setbacks but a determination to carve out a second career doing something that I love.
In doing so, I help and support others along the way (many more than is ever shown publicly) because I come from a place where I think there is room for everyone to shine.
Shining does come from a place of positivity though – if you’re expending too much energy on the negative – then there’s no energy to devote to you. And your light will quickly fade.
Nikki @ Styling You recently posted..What’s floating my beauty boat this month?
I guess the only thing I can add here is that I’m all for expressing opinions and emotions, healthy debate and conversation. It’s the personal attacks and abuse that upsets me. This is the where it gets to be like high school. This is the reason I stand on the sidelines (mostly). I do not want to stick my head out, because I do not want to be abused.
Dorothy @ Singular Insanity recently posted..Things I know – more about motherhood
Agree!
I get that Dorothy, really.
I’m at the sausage stand with Mrs. Woog. Reading arguments on twitter is like reading the comments on YouTube. What’s the point? Maybe 5% have any substance. Or intelligence. Or graciousness.
Tomato or BBQ sauce Heather? x
Is it weird that I like honey?
I was going to say BBQ & mustard together!
Honey? That’s a taste sensation I’ve yet to try!
I used to debate in high school and at university. Sometimes I miss it, and some of the friends I made through debating are still some of my favourite friends to hang out with and talk to. I like the freedom that comes when you can vigorously disagree / dissent and still all shake hands at the end, as it were. The ability to argue with people who know how to not BE personal, or take disagreement personally, is something that I cherish, precisely because it is rare.
I think emotion is part of argument and in fact, emotionless arguments are less persuasive than ones that contain genuine passion. So it’s not emotionalism per se that bothers me – it’s when combatants elevate emotion to a primacy that means a) logic and reason are abandoned, and b) everyone is flailing about tossing ad homs and non sequiters merrily like bombs (ie when people stop trying to convince, and start trying simply to insult and hurt).
I admit that I also keep my head down with Internet arguments on the whole. Partly because, as a commenter upthread indicated, I think they are mostly pointless; partly because I am somewhat cautious about sticking my neck out and copping attacks that either make me imprudently wrathful, or upset me. There is enough in my off-screen life that does those things – I don’t need to buy new trouble.
Mostly, though, it’s neither of these – it’s that my shades-of-grey moral compass doesn’t move fast enough to arrive at a firm position before the debate is effectively over. I read the … thing … on Twitter last night and thought about it a lot. I think a lot of strong points were made, but I am still mulling over what my final opinion is; by the time I arrive at it, no-one will care anymore, the conversation will be obsolete. (This happened to me with the whole Samantha Brick business, for instance – it took me ages to think through exactly what I thought was problematic about it and arrive at how I’d respond, but by the time I did, the issue was stale and writing it up would’ve served no purpose).
Kathy recently posted..Happy birthday E
An elegant response there Kathy (as always) x. This resonated with me, “Mostly, though, it’s neither of these – it’s that my shades-of-grey moral compass doesn’t move fast enough to arrive at a firm position before the debate is effectively over.” I’m like that too – I’m not quick to anger. I need to sit with something for a while to come to conclusions in my head that I can be sure aren’t premature.
“the issue was stale and writing it up would’ve served no purpose”
It’s a shame you feel that way, Kathy. There are plenty of us who don’t turnover at lightning-speed and more of us who value a considered opinion. I believe there are plenty of good lessons for everyone in returning to a hot topic once it’s cooled down.
Cam @ notunimportant.com recently posted..Topic pools and relative timing: about blog monetisation
That’s a good point you make there, Cam. Perhaps I should write those posts after all, once the heat has gone.
Kathy recently posted..The up side
Live life to the fullest and no regrets. Just like Seal said “It’s about the journey”. We learn from our mistakes,improve and reap the success.
Ely recently posted..Can bladder problems be cured naturally? 2
It’s the personal attacks and abuse that upsets me.I am still mulling over what my final opinion is; by the time I arrive at it, no-one will care anymore, the conversation will be obsolete.
Gracie recently posted..perspective condos
Hey Gracie! Great minds think alike, or you thought my comment was so perfectly phrased you just had to repeat it verbatim?
Kathy recently posted..The up side
I’m kind of obsessed with the show The Good Wife at the moment having just watched Season 1 and part of Season 2 in its entirety.
In it there is a character who seems to want to unleash some secret or some such thing about another character. The main character (Alicia) picks up on what’s he up to right away and basically says (I’m paraphrasing) ‘Don’t put me in the middle of your thing. I’m too busy’
I love the way she says that and I’ve always wanted to be too busy to concern myself with trivialities and the special causes of others. I fail often, but I care less and less…