Riley has recently, on occasion, hit another child.
I feel that by writing that sentence I have hauled myself up to a flagellant’s cross and handed over the whip to anyone inclined to flick it at me. It first began – and I’m a witness – in the spirit of exuberance, of fun. He might be playing with others and they giggle, and then jump up and down, arms flail, and the biff! Pure accident. He’s also done it in horseplay, as adults do, when they mock punch each other on the shoulder and say, good job, or well done. Except his sometimes lands harder than it ought.
Of course, he’s done it in anger too, and this is when I begin to worry.
I pull him aside and there are severe recriminations. I confess I feel deeply embarrassed and mortified when this happens. You do not do that to anyone, I say. It is not nice.
I have friends who have raised boys much older than Riley and I remember being told the troubles some had at times. One child was a biter. I was sympathetic because I know that at a early age, when language fails a child, they aren’t developmentally able to express their frustrations in a more appropriate manner. However I wonder if that defence would float for Riley, now he is four. And this doesn’t happen often. He plays really well normally.
***
“Here mum, these are yours,” said Keira, throwing two pairs of underpants in my lap. There they lay, limp and thin. “They got mixed up in my my stuff.”
It’s becoming an ever easier mistake to make. I used to sort through the clean washing quickly: in the days of all-in-one suits they were rolled up, the toddler clothes were easily distributable thanks to the gendered colours that inevitably partisaned the washing basket. I did it all with a contented, Buddhist detachment I should be so lucky to find in other areas of my life.
This extended to the ironing, too. At least it did up until Mr. Abbott recently – with one flip, totally backhanded remark – held the hot plate up to my face and scolded ( &/or scalded?) me with it. He thinks the economy would be better off if we sent out our ironing for others to do.
Can’t we silly housewives understand?
Part of me wants to shrug it off. Who cares? I think. It’s just another example of a politician opening their mouth and by veering off from their scripts gives us an insight into what they really think about those of ‘us’ at home and how we do not fit the preferred mould of ‘worker’.
But hey, I work. I keep the house going, I try to write, I try to blog. I even publish on occasion. In do this all in the home. It’s not the perfect arrangement, I’ll admit, and as Riley is not in childcare he does watch too much television on the days I need to get stuff done. I own that.
So is this phase he’s going through my fault?
And this is why I’m putting it out there. I’m tired of feeling silenced. I’m tired of feeling isolated and being belittled. I’m tired of not having answers, and being called to answer.
But you know what? I’m just tired.
And we’ll get there with Riley. I’ll keep working on the situation. Because that’s what parents do.
{ 13 comments… read them below or add one }
That boys/hitting thing, we get a lot of parents at work asking us about it because they have the same problem at home.
And I always notice the same pattern: it’s the parents (read: dads) who when they come in the afternoon who pick their kids up do that thing that dads do of horseplay, swinging the kids around, a bit of a tustle for a giggle etc. and the kids see that that’s the way to have fun with dad- roughhouse stuff.
Then parents ask why their kids are in trouble for doing the same exact thing to other people’s kids because the kids don’t know how to be careful with each other and then someone cops an elbow in the eye.
I’m not saying that’s what you’re experiencing, I’ve just noticed that when we have problems with boys being rough at work it’s because sometimes they are given a confusing double standard.
I actually think it’s totally NORMAL. Definitely it becomes more problematic for some kids than others but I feel that they all go through a hitting stage in some shape or form. Eventually you’ll be on the other side of it and won’t remember when that stopped and the sassy mouth/teasing/insert other annoying behaviour, started
I don’t think it’s anything you have or haven’t done. I think it’s just kids, pushing boundaries, pushing each other, sorting out a pecking order if you will. Jumping on it straight away to let him know it’s not acceptable is what he needs and you’ve got that covered, so I think it’ll all work out.
And bugger you Mr Abbott. Us Mum’s at home, doing nothing but ironing, I want to poke him in the eye. We’re raising the next generation of voters here and you seem to think it’s inimportant?
Your explanation of why young children bite totally correlates to why Riley might be hitting…. because he is little and he is still sorting out the power of his body and how social interaction works.
Four is not ‘grown up enough to know better’… even 6 is not grown up enough to know better all of the time. Boys are physical (especially at four) and gaining control of that physicality and their social and emotional responses is not an easy task. Social skills and figuring out how to interact, negotiate and cope and when to stop are difficult skills to learn and they take practice… LOTS of practice.
Though I so know how mortifying it can be when your child does something like that… you are so not alone and you so not ‘to blame’… keep working on it together and eventually things will sort out.
And Mr Abbott can bugger off… I might be a ‘housewife’ but I haven’t ironed in 4 years so ner!
I think, if you have a large group of kids, there is always going to conflict. Just like the adult world, we don’t all get on. As parents it is mortifying to see our child be mean to another, but at least we see when it happens with our own eyes and can take immediate action.
My daughter is in grade 1. She has always been a quiet girl in social situations, but this year she has come out of her shell. Yesterday I was told that she had been nasty to another girl, and it had been going on for a little while – horrified I was!
We had a big talk about it last night, and she was clearly ashamed of herself, but I am not very clear on what exactly went on, or why. I spoke to the teacher and she brushed it off as politics that all the girls in the class seem to be involved in at the moment – nothing much in it and not just one girl involved.
I don’t think it is something to brush off and I want to make it clear to her that this kind of behaviour is unacceptable.
My son is 8 and the boys at this age seem to interact so much better than the girls. Its been a real eye opener.
I agree with katepickle that at 4 he still has a lot to learn about how to negotiate social interactions and how to deal with his own emotions. Also, my sister is going through this at the moment with her toddler – where you say “that excuse would float” – and despite that being normal developmentally, she is feeling all the same mortification and worries that you have expressed here.
I’d tell you not to worry – and you are obviously handling the issue – but I think that kind of worry (and, sadly, self-consciousness and even shame) just seems to go hand in hand with being a mum. Or, being a good one, anyway.
Why do others not understand that being a mother who stays at home, is actually the hardest job there is? And the responsibility of this job is up there with ruler of the world, as we are charged with raising the next generation. If we fail, the world will only get worse. Mothering needs to be applauded not pushed aside and diminished, and the politicians need to lead this change.
My Princess bit a boy once. He was a pusher (in our house he is known as “the Pusher Man”). She was 2 1/2 and they had already had one run in. Then he came back and she thought he was taking her dummy. So she bit him. She was protecting what was hers and knew no other way of doing it.
It’s rare for her to lash out at other kids, I don’t think she gets to spend enough time with them so she is just so overwhelmed with the joy of them there is no way this could happen. Except with her cousin. He is older and was the first of the grandchildren. She gets jealous when he tries to get my attention. A couple of times over school holidays he stayed with us and she LOST IT. Mostly she would take it out on me, but she pushed him around a few times too. Again, she was protecting what was hers.
Sometimes, it’s accidental, but otherwise it seems to be some threat that triggers an “episode”.
Hopefully, as we have managed to stop the whingeing in the bath when water gets in her eyes we can talk her through dealing with this some other way.
It will all pass, I’m sure.
I have no children of my own. And most of my friends that do are far enough away geographically that I don’t have much interaction/observation of the day-to-day dealings with children. So I certainly can’t speak on the natural progression in the development of a child. But from everything I’ve ever read about you as a mother, Karen, and everything I know about you, isn’t it possible, just a tab bit possible, that you’re being a bit hard on yourself? That this is all just normal, and this too shall pass?
It is part of growing up, as is learning right and wrong.
I’m another one who thinks it sounds pretty normal. Frederique was rough as a preschooler, and could easily get frustrated. Most four year olds, even articulate ones, can still have trouble making themselves understood, especially to another four year old, and their powers of verbal persuasion aren’t yet that honed!
I’m not sure I entirely agree with the first comment. ‘Rough-housing’ (from a loving caring parent) has been shown in studies to have huge developmental benefits and gives kids an outlet, actually teaching them self-control and boosting self-confidence. It seems to be instinctive behaviour, which suggests to me there is an evolutionary basis.
It’s hard Karen, and of course you should use whatever discipline technique you prefer, but also remember that other kids won’t put up with it long, and Riley will end up more invested in the game than whatever it is making him hit. In my experience most parents were tolerant and sympathetic as long as they saw I was onto it, responding quickly to the behaviour with a firm no or time out.
Thanks to you all for your advice/support/thoughts.
Regarding the rough-housing, I do see how children could receive confused messages about it (okay with parents/ but not okay with friends?) but I would rather Adam do it with R and K than not do it if that’s how they enjoy to play/interact. My uncle used to do it, and yet dad did not (as far as I remember) and I love those memories, so I can see how that feeds into Penni’s point above.
It’s a phase, but it doesn’t mean you can stop telling him it’s not appropriate behaviour. Just keep on keeping on without actually demonizing him or the little episodes of acting out.
I think you would have to use some mummy instincts here because each episode could be different, and so that should also tell you how you need to handle it — whether you let it pass, you redirect or you be totally firm about it and show him there are consequences to his actions.
All the best….