As I was chatting the other week with the ever-amazing Penni, I made a confession about this blog:
I don’t know what to say anymore, how to say it, why I feel the need to say it when – Lord knows – there are a multitude of other avenues I could use to express* what – at times- is the inexpressible and unsayable.
{Actually, I don’t think I said it quite like that, but you get the drift}
I was referring specifically to the children, the oldest of which (see? I’ve started to talk abstractly) we’ve been having some trouble with lately: these troubles I’ve alluded to, but now we’re at the point of “should we talk to someone?”
I’ve often been asked to talk about the time of my eating disorder. Some days I feel Teflon-skinned and reckon it would be no problem to go to work on those memories here on miscmum, like a surgeon.
But I am no surgeon: I am no good with a needle, am more skilled at ruining things (food, friendships) than repairing them, and I sometimes become afraid of breaking the part of me that’s been able to move on and get along.
And as I am pretty sure I tend to sabotage myself, I am almost as certain that if I truly crack open my children’s secrets, that I will not do them justice. I would not serving them well.
But I want to; because there are other parent bloggers out there forging their paths, feeling the fear and talking about it anyway about their own struggles with themselves, or their children. I want to do the same.
I came back from holidays with all the best intentions, but we know the way to hell is paved with those. I was going to set out clothes the night before, I was going to roll-out all sorts of new rules and procedures. Most importantly, I was going to put up the best mothering front ever: but Monday morning came, and by 7.45am I’d already lost my patience with Keira and was hollering for all the neighbours to hear. All tension, all reserve, I thought I’d found on holidays had just been put on pause.
And ‘on pause’ isn’t a way to live. It shouldn’t even be a condition to endure.
So in a roundabout way I think I’ve said this:
Tell me, if you ever write about your kids, do you ever wonder if it will come back and bite you in the ass?
{*poetry, short story, essay etc}
{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }
I do write about my kids from time to time, and sometimes I wonder if I say too much…but I am a very honest person, and as long as I tell the truth, then what’s the worst that can happen?
That said I don’t offer up every evil thought that springs to mind – but I do try to say enough to let others know that they’re not alone, and to allow them to comment and let me know the same.
I think a lot of us suffer on our own when we don’t need to…there are plenty of others who share our thoughts and circumstances and just knowing that is such a comfort at times.
Yeah I worry about what I write about my kids.
I worry that one day they will read it and be upset that I’ve misrepresented them. I don’t think I have, what I have written is from my perception of the moment. I hope they understand that.
But I’ve found so much support online that I couldn’t not write about my girls in my blog. So many of the invaluable solutions have come from me saying “I have this problem X, what can I do?”
Most importantly though was knowing I’m not alone, that other parents have these problems, others struggle to.
We started Annie seeing a counselor through Banyule Council Health service back in Term 1. Initially I did that because i thought I was the worst mother in the world and Annie was suffering because of my bad parenting. Turns out Annie has aspergers and my parenting style was all wrong for the way she thinks. Without the counselor I’d never have known that.
If you are wanting to talk to someone but not blog about it, you might give your local council community health service a try…. If you are in Banyule Council then I can recommend Robin – she visits Greensborough on Fridays, call Banyule Community Health on 9433 5111.
And of course Maternal and Child Health Nurses are a great listening resource if you need to talk to someone.
hmmmm
Karen, I think it’s ok to talk about the things we struggle with even when they are our kids.
Every day I wonder if I’m doing the right things, making the right choices, steering the kids along in the right direction to avoid the battles I had, kicking myself when they find their own battles despite my best efforts, feeling like I’m a failure, second guessing myself and my choices, feeling frustrated that my kids aren’t on the page I’m on because if they were everything would be ok dammit!
But I know when I say that to another parent that they know what I mean.
I hope that when my kids are older and (if) they read what I’ve written, that they will feel reassured that it wasn’t just them finding things difficult, but that they had a parent who was right there with them, doing the best she could to help them. And as they become parents themselves I hope that my doubts and struggles give them some reassurance that their own doubts and struggles are part of the parcel and ok too.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and against the grain of some no doubt. I think the parent/child relationship, is one of those fragile, private things. I have always kept a private journal to give myself a space to express my frustrations with my kids or partners for that matter. I do mention my kids on my blog, but if I think it could be sensitive, I consult them and ask them if that’s ok. Sometimes they say ‘no’. My kids were much older than yours when I started blogging though, so I’ve always had that luxury.
As a secondary school teacher, I see how cruel children can be to one another. I don’t think the Internet is a safe place to put information, especially private information, the kind of information a mother has about their child.
There are stories I have in my privelaged position of mother and teacher for that matter that would no doubt enthrall and amuse readers, but at what cost? Trust ?
Joh’s advice is good. My kids are still young-ish but Madi is off to high school next year and I’d be willing to bet that her new classmates will all be googling each other after the first day of school. It wouldn’t take much to find my kids’ stories, as told by me, online. I might need to think about that.
yes Joh, I see your point entirely. In my head I often prefix some things I say with a “what will their peers say in 10 years time?”
I don’t think I say as many outlandish things as I’ve seen other parenting blogs do, but that said, this is all very subjective and may not necessarily be a proper justification.
That’s why I do what I do with as much thoughtful integrity as I can. At least, I’d like to hope so.
I tend to err on the side of caution here. What we have to remember is that its not only the ‘private’ stuff we have to be careful about but also the apparently innocous stuff. Kids can be cruel and your kid may be selective about what they reveal about themselves to their friends, its their right to choose to deny that they ever liked Pink, for example. And we may be inadvertently undermining that right.
Karen, I don’t think you say outlandish things to be honest. I’ve been reading your blog for a while now. We all make our subtle hints, and sometimes express our own vulnerability, but I just think when children, ours or anyone elses even are involved, we do need to exercise care. If in doubt, leave it out. There are places to go for help if you have a real concern…. the internet wouldn’t be the one I would choose.
Then again, maybe I’m just a privacy freak
It’s okay Joh – I have a certain family member who emails me whenever they feel I “step over the line” so you’re not alone
And like you say “If in doubt, leave it out” which is what I normally do anyway.
To everyone else: hopefully I don’t stuff everything up. But then as a parent – whether I blog or not – there’s always that possibility!
If that makes sense…?
The short answer is yes…. the longer answer starts wit a ‘but’…
I blog the good stuff and the ‘crappy but mundane not the end of the world stuff’ without much thought… but the hard stuff… well… if I blog that I usually tend to wait until it has mostly passed.
I’m ok with blogging about how our girls didn’t go start school this year now… now because it is a positive happy thing… this time last year when I was worrying and soul searching and shedding tears…. I didn’t blog it then.
And as they get older and things become ‘less cute and embarrassing baby story’ I do tend to censor myself a little more… but it’s hard because sometimes I just want to write it all….
So I share some on my blog, some with friends and keep some to myself….. still no idea if it is right, wrong or otherwise but it’s what I do to get by.